Wasn’t Mr. Piglet the Piggybank great when you were ten? With his adorable pink lil’ ears and beady eyes, he didn’t mind as you shoved quarter after grubby quarter into his back slot. He sat there, watching over your financial safety with love, affection, and piggy caring.

Then one day, you placed Mr. Piglet on the floor and without even a blindfold, smashed the crap out of him with a hammer…All for some pop rocks and an extra large, swirly lollipop. I hope your crappy candy was worth it. *Sniff.* I’m sure he’s looking down from Piggybank heaven with understanding, you ungrateful jerk! Oh Mr. Piglet! *tear*

There comes a time when your mom doesn’t want to clean up the ceramic littering your room, and quite frankly, you become sick of being a piggy bank serial killer. This is when you turn to banking.

The word “banking” sounds like a painful experience, right? Almost like there will be a gauntlet of paperwork and paper cuts, followed by a straight-up attack from money-hungry undead with Armani suits and ball point pens of doom. I won’t lie. It can be like that, but we can lead you through this. Together, we can behead the banking undead with the full fury of financialfootprint. (The undead have been decomposing for how many years anyway. How hard can it be?)

So, we can go through all the basics like what a bank is, the basics of the services, the types of banks, and the dealio with interest with its own banking twist. Maybe to you, that’s baby stuff though (but maybe a really tough baby… like one with tattoos that smokes and runs its own gang).

Continue forth then, dear warrior, to the bread and butter of banking, which are savings and checking, and those other types of accounts, including certificates of deposits (CDs) and money market.

Maybe you are mad impatient though, and you just want to know how to get a bank account and use it. We can guide you through finding a bank, using your banking tools, and some overall tips. But mystery reader, for some special one-on-one time, call up your personal finance guide, and they’ll massage the knots out of your personal finance problems. [Note: your personal finance guide does not give actual massages.]